The beginning

I have resided in the Charleston area now for a few months, the amount of pests never ceases to amaze; there are insects everywhere. I can assure you that this statement is not an exaggeration in any way. Now, if I were an entymologist, I would be thrilled at the spotting all of these species, which includes but is not limited to:

skinny spiders (in my camellia bushes)

big fat spiders (outside my bedroom window)

black ants

red ants (along the sidewalk)

gnats (essentially everywhere)

no see um's (if you live in the south, you know exactly what this is)

mosquitoes (galore)

earwigs (yes, it is a bug)

and last but not least, the euphemistically named "Palmetto Bug."

Now granted, living in such a humid, hot climate, one is bound to find bugs in abundance. Having said that, I do not appreciate the fact that they (ants at the moment) have taken up residence in my home, most noticeably in my closet. Ants are not particularly disgusting to me, I am not sure of the damage that ants can incur, I do know that I will not tolerate them in my closet. I repeat, NOT in my closet. I don't even care if they are in the pantry; flour and sugar are not two items I deem of importance in the grand scheme.

I think of the precious contents of my closet; my Alexander McQueen jacket, my Chanel ballet heels, my Marni and Gucci kitten heels, shoes from OTP in NYC, clothing from my favorite King Street boutiques, Barney's, Scoop, my summer cashmere, and of course some items from Ann Taylor Loft, Gap, and my favorite sweaters. How will they (yes, I am referring to clothing as a pronoun) fare against this pestilence? They are completely defenseless; so I alone must take up arms; this is war.

I am determined to rid, no...eliminate.....I mean, kill, these ants; they should never have entered hallowed territory, and I will do anything necessary to remove them forever.

Forever, however, turned out to be about 24 hours. Last night, as I was about to take on this exacting task, I fortified myself with a glass of 1982 Chateau Margaux (righto), I mean, vodka. The tonic was necessary to provide myself with a clean head to plan and strategize my mission; after all, one cannot just spray toxic Raid or other various chemicals into a trove of treasures such as mine. And never having had the experience of bug extermination skills, I justified my cocktail in order to gain hold upon my palpable ignorance and complete disgust.

I sat at the computer for method gathering, and found many people willing to dispense advice, most of it rubbish. I read something about drawing a chalk line (yes, actual blackboard chalk), using cleanser to dissipate their trail as they leave some sort of fragrance to lead the other ants (plausible), keeping things clean, and an assortment of other idiotic ideas.

At this point, my mind was fervently spinning. What was the cause of this scourge? I thought perhaps there was something on a shoe to attract these ants, but some time ago, being OCD (if you don't know what this is, never mind), I decided to start wiping my shoes off with baby wipes before returning them to their rightful places. After all, your shoes are trampling on filthy, disease ridden ground on a daily basis (reserved for another post, another day). Why on God's green, would you place them back on a shelf with that muck on the bottoms?

I had a thought.....what if I just took some Murphy's soap or Mrs. Meyer's delightfully scented lavender counter spray; sprayed the ants, and cleaned the walls and floors with that? It would be the safe, and ecologically sound option. I did just that. As mentioned above, it lasted approximately 24 hours.

After my frustration of not succeeding, I made a second attempt, this time with a seriousness of a heart surgeon. I took a small amount of Rid bug spray, as I was not fully committed to the use of chemicals in my closet, and sprayed it onto a paper towel and rubbed it along the baseboards. Ha! That will get rid of you darn ants! Once again, I failed. The black scourge marched silently along my baseboards the following day.

Now, I am no friend to bugs, I admire some species sense of industriousness, the clever methods used to ensnare other species as a source of dinner, and so on and so forth. However, I am not accustomed to living a life with bugs; I moved from Los Angeles where there are no bugs, and this is ridiculous. So, I am now in full force, this is seemingly mission impossible but like a marine, failure is not an option.

I finally decided to see the fellows down at my local hardware store in Mount Pleasant. They are so happy to help, and quite knowledgeable. If they didn't know, I would probably have to call in the big guns, the Orkin guys, there would be no choice. If it is my clothes or the ants, it is without question.....the ants. I tried those little ant contraptions upon suggestion. I carefully unwrapped the plastic baits (sounds repulsive) and gingerly placed them in a corner of my closet to set up the death trap for an overnight stay for my little scourge.

Upon rising the next morn, I gleefully stepped in to my closet to expect a few trailing ants, staggering and lurching as if drunk from too much wine. Much to my surprise, the army had multiplied, there were hundreds of them marching along my baseboards, large platoons of ants, corporals and sergeants and generals, each seemingly with such purpose. I was filled with emotions, none good, and I raged with anger at these tiny warriors; I had had it! No more playing around. I pulled items out of my closet, traced their entry point to one corner and brought out the Rid ant and bug killer. I sprayed those baseboards with such purpose, I joyfully sprayed the ants directly, how dare they come into my sacred space? I wiped them up with paper towels, and aired out my closet with a fan blasted on high overnight. I haven't seen an ant since. It's been two weeks. The bug wars continue.........