Magazine Titles

Why isn’t there a magazine for people that don’t have children, are middle class, in touch with trends but know their budget limitations in regards to fashion, technology and home?

I am certainly not able to be Vogue, nor do I live in the Town and Country or have Better Homes & Gardens. What about Condo and Courtyard? Or at the rate of this economy, Trailer and Trashyard?

If I end up in a trailer, I will be Wired from using stimulates due to boredom and bleakness. Then I will have absolutely zero Allure about me. But Time out…..the odds of that happening are about as likely as me becoming an Esquire.

I don’t know Elle about fashioning a lifestyle of any of the above-mentioned magazines. Marie Claire, don’t know her. Oprah and Martha Stewart have homes and lives that are just too perfect, I don’t care if Oprah has a weight problem, she has gazillions of dollars to make her feel better. And what is a Harper’s Bazaar? Where is it exactly? In this poor financial climate I will certainly never have opportunity for Travel & Leisure; that would be a dream come true.

I never say Bon Appetit when dining, as it is usually leftovers and does not warrant such a fancy gesture. Yes, I do have Food & Wine, I only wish it was the type of food I see splashed on the pages of Cooks, or Cooking Light.

Women’s Day and Family Circle, well, I will tell you about my woman’s day, not much excitement, and I do not have a family circle; I don’t have children, so all the cute, crafty, fun family projects do not have relevance for me.

What about a magazine for the People who are Crate & Barrel sale, mixed with Ikea and flea market? Who shop at the Barney’s warehouse, the Gap and occasionally a cheap joint like Old Navy, Forever 21 or TJ Maxx? A magazine for individuals that don’t do crafty projects, but just need simple fashion and design ideas without having to have a separate garage or studio to bust out the circular saw? A magazine for people that don’t have House Beautiful, they may only have house clean, or house attractive; or for that matter, apartment decent. Perhaps these people, like myself, are tired of the glossy, perfect, slick, unobtainable world of these magazines. We want timely, sensible design solutions that fit our lifestyle. Now that would be InStyle.

Fitting In

Being an inherent soul from the city, I have tried my best to fit within the confines of Charleston, Mount Pleasant, or West Ashley, South Carolina within the last few months. The eponymous named Mount Pleasant, is indeed pleasant. However if you are an urban dweller most of your life, pleasant is defined by other matters.

Those other matters may not include, children, school activities, football games or soccer on the weekends. Couples with children assume that if you do not have a brood of children that perhaps you are not part of the "norm." This thought is more than likely a brief flash in their minds, as opposed to true contemplation. These couples assume the worst, they question and ponder, why one would not want to have children. Therein lies the problem; it is not particularly about not wanting to have children, it is just that some of us city dwellers were confronted with matters of love and marriage later in life.

I am not condoning the Sex & The City, post dweller here, but that is the truth. Maybe it was the dearth of men in those environs that posed the problem. Hell, maybe we were sucked into the post feminist attitude that women too, could behave badly like men and pretend that we didn't want a meaningful relationship. Then when we thought all was well, well; it really wasn't. It was too late.

Was this behavior learned I ask myself? Was it a product of post feminism? A cultural shift? An after thought, while we were pursuing our careers to stay afloat? On the proverbial back burner?

Life deals us harsh realities sometimes. How do we deal with those harsh realities? I find myself amidst school children, babies, young mothers, families everywhere here, how do I fit in? And will I ever fit in? And do I really want to?

Well, summer is no longer lingering. Fall is in full force.

The school across the street is rife with noise. Sounds of whistles, as the football game begins. School children shouting and running through the parking lot. Garbage floats across my front fence, chip and candy wrappers aloft with the whip of the chill wind. A dance of the doritos wrappers.

I want to sweep the garbage back into the school parking lot. Why should I have to pick up garbage that petulant 7th graders are throwing out of their backpacks? I am filled with irk.

Should I approach the staff at Moultrie Middle School and perhaps advise them to remind these little imps to reduce, reuse and recycle? To throw their garbage in the garbage can, not the street? There are ample trash cans on the school property; but apparently, 35+ years of do not litter programs make not an iota of difference for some of these apathetic students.

More Fashion Ads.....

Part II

Miu Miu I love the glitzy, black patent bag, but the models are not cutting it for me. Very pasty, very alien, and not likely to sell me anything.

White House/Black Market I still don't understand their branding, but they certainly cast an unattractive model for their fall ads. In fact, I am so distracted by the model's mouth and stupid expression that I don't notice what she is wearing. The make-up and style direction, upon second glance are perfectly boring, and looks like something a cast member of the Housewives of Atlanta would wear. No thanks.

Juicy Couture Okay, another one I don't understand. Velour and terry sweat suits; nothing couture about that. The ads are over styled, way too many props, don't see the clothing or whatever they are advertising. Is it the hats? The rabbits? The pillows? The crafty, quilted blankets? The blue mop on top of the statue's head?

Tod's The ad is fine, but the person in it looks like Laura Dern. At the bottom of the corner it says, Elliott Erwitt. Who is Elliot Erwitt, and should I care?

Talbots Trying to rebrand and capture a post Linda Evangelista age. She looks so alien, freaky and super botoxed, not sure what to make of it.

Gucci A super skinny guy in white, tight, nylon looking pants, spreads his legs. I might mention that he is also wearing a turtleneck under a blazer. Fantastic! One of my favorite all time looks for men.

Fall Fashions/Advertisements

Advertising is so incredibly stupid sometimes, especially fashion advertising. It is meant to attract new buyers, or inform consumers in some sort of sense. So, as I pondered the following ads, I thought, who are they trying to attract? See for yourself in the 5 pound, September issue of Vogue that is causing me carpal tunnel and lower back pain just to lug around.

Ralph Lauren An attractive model sits, clutching a bag. She has on a disastrous top evocative of Golden Girls,with a tassle cap that looks like Wee Willie Winkie.

Dolce & Gabbana Oh Madonna, please stop preying on 16 year olds, and please stop with the freaky age obsession. Her skin is smooth as a baby bottom.

YSL If he were alive, he would probably croak. Remember Verushka? She looked amazing in his safari look. This model, with a poor, bowl shaped, style haircut is wearing a dreadful looking, unflattering suit, wearing matching gloves; holding them to her face as if she smelled something bad. Ugh.

Burberry Is it Burberry Prorsum, or Burberry London? Fem looking guys clutching on to waif like models, all pasty skinned and most unattractive. I loathe the label Prorsum, I like to call it Burberry Possum.

Marc Jacobs While I love Marc Jacobs for the most part, enough with the harshly lit, quirky faces photographed by Juergen Teller.Quite boring now.

The Gap While the gap carries many staples for your wardrobe they are often hit or miss. "Do you believe in Magic?" they ask. Not after I felt those black pants while in store. The fabric would be akin to wearing a buff puff all day.

Moschino Oh boy. I know in the past his designs were whimsical, but this is a picture of one of those Victoria's Secret models in an outfit that has been trimmed with ugly gold hoop earrings that looked like they walked out of a Claire's Boutique for $2.95 a pair.

More to come!

Ridiculous Advertising

I am mostly immune to advertising; I admit, I am jaded. However, there is occasion when I see a doozy that I just have to comment on. At this moment, there are two, one a national commercial, the other a local, Charleston favorite.

Yaz Birth Control

The commercial shows a bunch of 20 and 30 something women on top of a hotel, by a pool, drinking cocktails. It’s all so glamorous! They sit around and discuss the benefits of Yaz, not only is it birth control, it helps control acne and if you use it, you too can hang out at fabulous parties on the rooftop of cool hotels in Hollywood, while drinking your 64 calorie bud light, after you have completed your triathalon, and put on your designer duds.

It is so absurd, who sits around at a pool party, all glammed up discussing birth control? The main character goes into her promotional rant for the pill, as the other two listen intently and ask questions. It is all palpably absurd. “What are the side effects?” “Oh, diarrhea, bloating, burping, farting, rapid heart beat, blood clots, night sweats, chills, and liver problems.” Wow, sounds amazing, let me drop everything and rush right out to get some, really looking forward to those side effects.

Money Man Pawn Shops

My regional favorite. A series of comments on how individuals traded in their cheap gold for cash at a local pawn shop. "Ah traded in mah old gold rings for cash at Munee Man Pahn shop." Really inspires me to go to North Charleston and sell my gold and diamonds.

I called a local hair salon today to set up an appointment for a hair coloring, simple highlights. The receptionist asked me if I also needed a haircut.

I detest when retail establishments ask if I would like an additional service; as if I had Alzheimer’s and just couldn’t remember if I needed a haircut or not. No, if I needed a haircut, I would ask for one, just like if I wanted to super-size my McDonald’s order, I would say so.

Oh, but magically, with the encouragement and the oh so subtle hint by the receptionist, my mind will restore itself to refreshed thinking, my memory retention will become immediately reconnected! And suddenly, I will remember that in addition to hair coloring, I need: a brow wax, bikini wax, shampoo, conditioner, a massage, a protein hair mask, pedicure, manicure, facial treatment and a Caribbean coconut papaya scented, raw sugar body polish made by locals in Tahiti.

This mode of psychological sales tactics is enough to turn me away from the establishment, more likely than it is to get me to make additional purchases. I bid her farewell on the phone and continued in my search.

I admit, I have been a beauty snob in the past, however, with age, I have mellowed in my quest for perfection; either that or my memory is in need of exercise. In my search for stellar beauty services in the Charleston area, I waxed skeptical.

I had seen the ads for Stella Nova with their pastiche ads. A trailer park trash man runs out the door of his shack to call back his lover. She in curlers and some sort of nightgown...a mini of course. Another one features a sort of imitation, tamed version of the ads by American Apparel, ala Terry Richardson photography knock offs themselves. I don't know who does the art direction, but the only flattering thing is it's imitation.

I have to say, I was not impressed with the salon, it was noisy and trying too hard to be hip. However, I will say that the Esthetique and Make-up Studio is quite impressive. They carry hard to find brands like Natura Bisse, Nars Cosmetics, and Santa Maria Novella. I felt like a kid in a candy store, this was my heaven.

I am very selective about my hair services and have been a client of Garren Salon for years. Garren of course is the master stylist with a body of work that has been featured in Vogue, Allure and just about any other beauty or fashion publication in existence. My other favorite hairstylist is Hiro Haraguchi. Hiro has been cutting my hair with precision for 13 years, he is a master with the scissors and has been featured in countless magazines. In addition, he has styled the Marc Jacobs fashion shows for many seasons now.

How would I be able to find an equivalent for hair styling in Charleston? Well, I still sojourn to New York to get my haircut, however, my roots were in serious need of help. I tried Stella Nova, see above, and a few other unmentionables. I was desperate in my quest and called a host of salons to no avail. I ended up finding a small, out of the way place called Salon Salon. When I telephoned, the owner was quite accommodating. It wasn't Garren or Hiro Haraguchi, but heck, I needed help and I needed it now, and accommodation is part of the experience of which I demand. I don't need some wanna be hipster trying to hard to be cool to listen to my needs.

The stylist, Stacia, was great. She listened to my needs, determined a solution, and charged me all of $65.00 for my highlights. I was in disbelief.....$65.00, now that is value! She did a beautiful job, didn't hit me over the head with small talk, was concise with the foils, and layering of color; I prefer precision and accuracy over decor anyday. I highly recommend her.

Other personal faves in the area:

The cute, cottage like atmosphere of Beach House Spa

Salon Cappelli in Mount Pleasant,Bernadette is fantastic.

Ulta has a bevy of cosmetics and skin care lines, such as Smashbox, Stila, DDF and Dermalogica.

I am still on my quest for beauty services, so if anyone has local recommendations, please do not hesitate to inform.

xo- Shell

The beginning

I have resided in the Charleston area now for a few months, the amount of pests never ceases to amaze; there are insects everywhere. I can assure you that this statement is not an exaggeration in any way. Now, if I were an entymologist, I would be thrilled at the spotting all of these species, which includes but is not limited to:

skinny spiders (in my camellia bushes)

big fat spiders (outside my bedroom window)

black ants

red ants (along the sidewalk)

gnats (essentially everywhere)

no see um's (if you live in the south, you know exactly what this is)

mosquitoes (galore)

earwigs (yes, it is a bug)

and last but not least, the euphemistically named "Palmetto Bug."

Now granted, living in such a humid, hot climate, one is bound to find bugs in abundance. Having said that, I do not appreciate the fact that they (ants at the moment) have taken up residence in my home, most noticeably in my closet. Ants are not particularly disgusting to me, I am not sure of the damage that ants can incur, I do know that I will not tolerate them in my closet. I repeat, NOT in my closet. I don't even care if they are in the pantry; flour and sugar are not two items I deem of importance in the grand scheme.

I think of the precious contents of my closet; my Alexander McQueen jacket, my Chanel ballet heels, my Marni and Gucci kitten heels, shoes from OTP in NYC, clothing from my favorite King Street boutiques, Barney's, Scoop, my summer cashmere, and of course some items from Ann Taylor Loft, Gap, and my favorite sweaters. How will they (yes, I am referring to clothing as a pronoun) fare against this pestilence? They are completely defenseless; so I alone must take up arms; this is war.

I am determined to rid, no...eliminate.....I mean, kill, these ants; they should never have entered hallowed territory, and I will do anything necessary to remove them forever.

Forever, however, turned out to be about 24 hours. Last night, as I was about to take on this exacting task, I fortified myself with a glass of 1982 Chateau Margaux (righto), I mean, vodka. The tonic was necessary to provide myself with a clean head to plan and strategize my mission; after all, one cannot just spray toxic Raid or other various chemicals into a trove of treasures such as mine. And never having had the experience of bug extermination skills, I justified my cocktail in order to gain hold upon my palpable ignorance and complete disgust.

I sat at the computer for method gathering, and found many people willing to dispense advice, most of it rubbish. I read something about drawing a chalk line (yes, actual blackboard chalk), using cleanser to dissipate their trail as they leave some sort of fragrance to lead the other ants (plausible), keeping things clean, and an assortment of other idiotic ideas.

At this point, my mind was fervently spinning. What was the cause of this scourge? I thought perhaps there was something on a shoe to attract these ants, but some time ago, being OCD (if you don't know what this is, never mind), I decided to start wiping my shoes off with baby wipes before returning them to their rightful places. After all, your shoes are trampling on filthy, disease ridden ground on a daily basis (reserved for another post, another day). Why on God's green, would you place them back on a shelf with that muck on the bottoms?

I had a thought.....what if I just took some Murphy's soap or Mrs. Meyer's delightfully scented lavender counter spray; sprayed the ants, and cleaned the walls and floors with that? It would be the safe, and ecologically sound option. I did just that. As mentioned above, it lasted approximately 24 hours.

After my frustration of not succeeding, I made a second attempt, this time with a seriousness of a heart surgeon. I took a small amount of Rid bug spray, as I was not fully committed to the use of chemicals in my closet, and sprayed it onto a paper towel and rubbed it along the baseboards. Ha! That will get rid of you darn ants! Once again, I failed. The black scourge marched silently along my baseboards the following day.

Now, I am no friend to bugs, I admire some species sense of industriousness, the clever methods used to ensnare other species as a source of dinner, and so on and so forth. However, I am not accustomed to living a life with bugs; I moved from Los Angeles where there are no bugs, and this is ridiculous. So, I am now in full force, this is seemingly mission impossible but like a marine, failure is not an option.

I finally decided to see the fellows down at my local hardware store in Mount Pleasant. They are so happy to help, and quite knowledgeable. If they didn't know, I would probably have to call in the big guns, the Orkin guys, there would be no choice. If it is my clothes or the ants, it is without question.....the ants. I tried those little ant contraptions upon suggestion. I carefully unwrapped the plastic baits (sounds repulsive) and gingerly placed them in a corner of my closet to set up the death trap for an overnight stay for my little scourge.

Upon rising the next morn, I gleefully stepped in to my closet to expect a few trailing ants, staggering and lurching as if drunk from too much wine. Much to my surprise, the army had multiplied, there were hundreds of them marching along my baseboards, large platoons of ants, corporals and sergeants and generals, each seemingly with such purpose. I was filled with emotions, none good, and I raged with anger at these tiny warriors; I had had it! No more playing around. I pulled items out of my closet, traced their entry point to one corner and brought out the Rid ant and bug killer. I sprayed those baseboards with such purpose, I joyfully sprayed the ants directly, how dare they come into my sacred space? I wiped them up with paper towels, and aired out my closet with a fan blasted on high overnight. I haven't seen an ant since. It's been two weeks. The bug wars continue.........